40 By 40 #7: Give My Kids a Good Christmas
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde
I’ve always loved Christmas. Last year’s Christmas had a much different feel to it than in years past. Because of the pandemic, we didn’t get together with as many people as we normally would have. But it was still Christmas. I remember feeling a relief as the year 2020 was almost finished, and a trip I had planned with friends to Mexico was less than a month away. It was also less than a month away until I was told my wife wanted a divorce, and also what I didn’t know at the time was that she was already involved with someone else. I could sense the distance but was optimistic with a new year that we could open up the lines of communication and get back on track. We did the normal Christmas preparations. We went to pick out our Christmas tree and brought it home to decorate. We shopped for presents for the kids. I took the kids out to pick out presents for Mom. The usual pajama pants which had become a yearly gift, as well as an assortment of outdoor running gear that had been requested. We celebrated with both sets of parents, and had a great Christmas morning. It feels so much longer than 1 year ago. As December approached this year, I knew that Christmas was going to be very different this year. It was going to be hard for me, but I knew who it would be hardest on was the kids. So I made the goal that I was going to do everything I could to make their Christmas special, and to carry on traditions we had established, and maybe add some of my own twists. So with a lot of nervousness I decided that goal 7 was to give my kids a good Christmas.
As the month of December started, the first thing I had to get ready was making the house feel like Christmas. I’ve never been a huge Christmas decorator. I’m no Clark Griswold when it comes to lights. But I got started and did the best I could. At our thanksgiving celebration, my parents gave each kid a mini tree with some lights, and an advent calendar of mini ornaments. That was a great start, it gave each of their rooms some Christmas cheer. But of course we needed the full size tree in the living room. In my current place I have vaulted ceilings, so I started dreaming of getting one of those gigantic trees, again like something Clark Griswold would bring home. The kids were excited by the prospect, but when we went to the lot, it occurred to me that I had no ladder at home and that those trees are quite expensive. I came to my senses and we picked out a wonderful 7 footer.
We brought it home and set it up, giving it the night to settle and drop it’s branches a bit. The next day we broke out the new lights I bought, and my box of ornaments. Now if you’ve ever seen my Christmas ornaments, there are no “classical” or “elegant” ones in the mix. They all have meaning. Many feature pictures of the kids since that has become a yearly gift from my parents. But the other ones are ones I’ve received over the years going back to when I was a kid. Most of them I can remember who gave them to me, and when. It’s like decorating the tree with all of my Christmas memories. I love it, because it’s the type of decorations I grew up with. As we hung the ornaments up as a family, we played Christmas music on the tv, and of course not to let you think it was all magical, the kids did argue over what songs we should play. Because after all this is reality not some fantasy land!
When we finished we plugged in the tree and were happy with our work. It’s a simple thing, but it was a big deal to me that we did this. It’s another reminder that life continues and we move forward with our lives, even if things have changed.
The next item was hanging up our Christmas stockings. A few years back at some store I had saw stockings with different letters on them. Most of them were gone, but luck would have it that they just so happened to have one for each letter of the 4 of our names. So I of course bought them because what a perfect coincidence! When my box of Christmas stuff was dropped off for me, it only had one stocking in it, mine. So I had to go and get some new ones for the kids. Of course Target came through, and I found a Space Jam one for my son who adores all things basketball, and a Hogwarts stocking for my daughter, who would attend there if she could. I didn’t have any of the stocking holders, so I had to buy those as well. Picked them up and brought them home, and the kids set them up over the fireplace just in time for St. Nicks. I made sure to buy as much candy as I could fit in those stockings, as well as hot chocolate, and the kids favorite, themed socks! I had a few Christmas art projects on canvases that the kids had made with their Grandma so I found places to hang those up, and before you knew it, my house actually looked like Christmas!
I know what you’re probably thinking, big deal. Yes, we all decorate and do these things for Christmas. But what I’m saying is that when you have had your life turned upside down, whether it’s divorce, or some other issue, doing these things can be very difficult. Like I wrote about my trip with my kids to Disney, everything you do comes with memories of doing them with a person you no longer can share them with. There was a part of me that just wanted to be Ebenezer Scrooge and say Bah Humbug to it all and not do a dang thing. But again, my goal was not about giving myself a great Christmas, but giving my kids one. Putting my kids first has been important to me, because it keeps me focused more on what I have, and less on what I don’t.
Getting gifts was another big part of this goal. Every year we always ask the kids to make their Christmas list. In years past we would take this list; and distribute it to the grandparents and aunts and uncles and help coordinate what people wanted to give to avoid having duplicates. This year it was going to be even more complicated. The kids already seemed to anticipate this and on their own each created 2 lists, one for Dad, and one for Mom. When I found this out, my heart broke again. This is something that my kids are going to have to deal with for a long time. They are getting used to the idea of two households and splitting their time with 2 families. I hate so much that this is their new life. But I’m also proud of them for how they are staying strong and adapting. I took my lists from them and helped coordinate with my parents and siblings, and figured out what I would get them. This is something that in the past my ex would have taken the lead on, but again now it’s on me, and like a lot of other things I realized that once I got over my fear, it was something that I enjoyed doing. Everything got ordered, delivered, and wrapped in time, and although Chrismtas isn’t all about gifts, I made sure that part of it was taken care of.
One thing I made sure to do, was to take the kids shopping for their Mom. This was very hard for me to do, not because I didn’t think she deserved gifts, but because it was emotional knowing that I wouldn’t be able to be there to see them given. This is something that I have done and will continue to do with my kids. No matter the hurt or the feelings involved, the kids need to see that there is still a right way to do things, and as a Father it is my job to help my kids pick out and purchase gifts for their Mother until they are old enough to handle it on their own. It was hard for me, but the kids enjoyed doing it, and that was what got me through. Knowing that they were happy and excited made me feel good.
As the week of Christmas started, it was time for the celebrations themselves. Because of our holiday schedule I would have the kids with me from the evening of the 22nd until Christmas morning at 8am. When I got them on the 22nd, we packed up our clothes and presents and headed down to my parent’s house for family Christmas. It was an exciting few days. We went out to see the new Spider Man movie. I took each kid shopping for a gift for each other. We had a great celebration with all of their Aunts and Uncles, including their young cousins. We ate our traditional Italian sausages with pasta and all the cookies too.
On Christmas Eve morning we drove back home. I had gone back and forth on what kind of dinner to make for the kids, but decided to ask them for their requests. So my son wanted wings, my daughter wanted rolls and green beans and asparagus. So I got all those, plus a small ham. My plan was to make a nice dinner, head to church, and then have the kids open their presents. On Christmas morning I would then make my traditional egg casserole and coffee cake and they would open their gift from Santa. I had it all planned out for a special night and morning for the 3 of us. Unfortunately, life happened. My daughter wasn’t feeling well so we were able to do presents, and then she went to bed and was in no mood for food or church. The next morning she still wasn’t feeling the greatest, and had to pass on breakfast as well.
I was disappointed that my carefully made plans fell through, but it was ok. My son enjoyed the food I made at both meals. We couldn’t go to church, but I spent the evening playing video games with him. This has kind of been the norm for me for the year anyway. I am always looking for ways to make things “perfect” and then having to adjust as things go wrong or come up. I have learned to just go with the flow, and realize that the memories that are made are not about things going perfectly according to plan all the time.
When I remember Christmas as a kid, it’s hard to remember “specific” memories or days. It’s more a jumble of the years, family, gifts, and events all mixed together. But how I remember it is as a happy time of year, a time where I felt great joy and love and look back on fondly. When I made this goal, this is the feeling I wanted to keep alive in my kids’ hearts. I don’t want them to have to stop having these memories and moments because things are different. So even after I’ve accomplished my 40 goals and the years come and go, I want my kids to be able to look back and remember how much Dad loved them and that spending those holidays together were as great for them as they were for me. I hope the smiles on their faces meant that mission was accomplished.
Next on my list is something I’ve already started, Join a Volleyball Team!
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