40 By 40 #5: Take a Trip Alone
“I think one travels more usefully when they travel alone, because they reflect more.”
Thomas Jefferson
I got myself packed and headed onto my plane to Munich. I had been on flights alone before for conferences, so that part wasn’t all that strange. What was more strange was that this was not a business trip, but leisure, and that I was going alone. I arrived in Germany, made my way through customs, and hopped into a cab to my hotel. I only had one day in Munich before I departed the next day for my cruise, so I knew I had to go out and see some of the city. This night was probably the hardest night. I took the train into the city and walked around enjoying the beautiful buildings and the history around me. I had some dinner, and some beer. It was when it started getting dark and I was just kind of wandering that my emotions really hit me. There were many people around, but I felt very alone. I cried a little bit walking around the streets, but it was dark so no one could really see. I headed back to my hotel and went to bed. Thankfully the rest of the trip would be much better.
There are many things about divorce that suck. For me one of the hardest though has been the loneliness. For half of my life, I was practically attached at the hip to one person. Before that I was literally a kid, spending my time with my parents, family, and friends. I got used to having someone around most of the time. Not just someone, my wife and best friend. On the window of our bus at our wedding one of the signs said “Today I married my best friend.” That’s not an uncommon saying at weddings, for me it was true. The Bible describes marriage as two people becoming one flesh, one person. That’s what it always felt like to me. To suddenly have your best friend, someone who you consider a part of you, not want to be around you anymore is painful. For some people who desire a divorce, cutting out a spouse may feel more like having cancer or a tumor removed. Part of your body yes, but a part you feel better off losing. For me it was like having a limb amputated. People tell you that you can recover from it and adapt and be stronger. But all I could focus on was all that I could no longer do, how my life was now worse. One of those things I felt was taken away from me was the ability to travel.
I love to travel. It’s been a part of my life ever since I can remember. I’ve been to many different places, but they all had one thing in common. For each trip I went with other people. With my parents and siblings as a kid, my football team in college, and then with my wife and kids as an adult. But my life has changed considerably this year. I’ve felt more alone than I ever have in my life. I have felt the loss of companionship deeply, and one area where I really feel it is in my desire to travel. The idea of picking up and going somewhere all by myself is something that has felt impossible to me. That’s why I put “Take a trip alone” on my list. Because this year is about doing things that can be hard, but by completing them I will become a stronger person.
I loved planning trips with my wife and the kids. It’s actually what led me into my career as a travel agent. I had enjoyed putting together all the details for our adventures so much that I decided to do it for others full time. Going on an adventure with the people you love is the best thing in the world to me. I remember our last Disney trip, February of 2020, right before the pandemic. I remember the 15th anniversary trip to Italy we were planning, that we couldn’t go on because the world shut down. I remember the group trip to Mexico at the beginning of the year, the last of her “get throughs” before I was clued in that it was over. We even did a trip all together to Universal in March, pretty much a surreal week for me as I felt one moment like everything was normal, only to be reminded that it was anything but the next. Since then I haven’t done any traveling. But that changed recently, and I’m so glad it did.
Earlier in the year I qualified to be part of an amazing trip through my host network. A river cruise on the Amadeus Imperial, running through the German State of Bavaria. When I first signed up for it and put down my deposit, I wasn’t sure I would actually go. It was early in the divorce process, and I didn’t know yet how things would end up. A part of me thought maybe we could reconcile and my wife would join me. Another part of me figured I’d probably just end up cancelling it and eating the deposit. Of course there was another part that thought with all this pandemic nonsense going on, it was likely to be cancelled anyways. But as time went on, the trip remained scheduled, and as payments became due, I kept making them. When I made my list in early September, I put “Take a trip alone” on there as a way to make sure that I didn’t let myself back out of the trip. If it got cancelled there was nothing I could do about that, but if the trip was going to happen, then I was resolving to be on it.
This probably seems like a super easy goal. A river cruise in Germany? That sounds amazing! And it really was. But what made it tough was the prospect of going on the trip by myself. Of course there would be other people on the ship with me, and many of them would be people I knew somewhat from facebook and a few previous conferences. But there was no one going that I would’ve considered a friend. When I’ve traveled in the past I’ve really enjoyed experiencing it in the company of my family and friends. I had that safety net of loved ones there with me, so I didn’t have to worry about getting lost, or who would I eat with, who would I look at stuff with, who would keep me company and share memories and laughs. For this trip I’d be out of my comfort zone completely, and on top of that halfway around the world in a new place and culture.
It is not really in my nature to be super outgoing and initiate conversations with people I don’t know. Once I know someone and am comfortable, then I’ll talk a lot and let loose, but it’s always been hard for me to get to that point, especially when I’m alone and don’t have others with me to help. But I knew that for this trip I’d have to be open to putting myself out there more with people and having those conversations. Throughout the week I was able to talk to so many people and make so many great memories.
Each day we were in a different Bavarian town, and got to go out and learn about the culture and history of each place. When not out exploring we were having amazing meals on the ship. Whether it was on the tours, at meals, or having after dinner drinks in the lounge, there were always great conversations. I got to know so many new people. I also realized that if I had been on this trip with someone else, that these opportunities would not have presented themselves. I would have been more focused on who I was traveling with, and not opened myself up to meeting new people and making new friends.
As I look back at the trip, not even a week since I’ve been back, I realize how much this trip and the idea of traveling alone can help me cope and thrive with my new situation. My day to day life, like this trip, is filled with many more moments of being by myself. I don’t have the partner anymore that I had grown so used to to keep me company and to focus my energy and attention on. That makes me sad in many ways, but it also provides me with new opportunities. It allows me to get out and explore life as an individual. It gives me the freedom to meet and talk to new people, get to know them and to make new friends. I still have my old friends and my family, and they are still a big part of my life, but there is an excitement in expanding my social circle and seeing which new people will become a part of my life.
Although I am learning this lesson now that I’m single, I think it applies to people that are currently married and in relationships as well. Spending time alone and developing your own individual life and experiences is something that we should all be actively doing. We can do that as part of our day to day lives, and we should. But doing something like taking a trip alone is something I’d recommend to anyone to try at least once. You learn so much about yourself and really have a chance to soak in new experiences through your own eyes without being distracted.
I’m glad I put this on my list and that I followed through with my trip. One day I believe I’ll find a new best friend, and that I’ll marry her. I’ll enjoy traveling with her and experiencing all the things I love. Until then I have family and friends that I can do these things with. Now I also know that not only can I travel alone, but I can enjoy it and be better for it. But before I travel alone again, I have another trip planned that is my next item on my list.
6. Take a trip with my kids
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